It’s almost Mother’s Day. Again.
Haven’t we had enough of these by now?
Last year on Mother’s Day, I was in the darkest depression I had known up to that point in my life because I had one dream in life: to be a mother. A year ago, it was clear to me that being a biological mother was not in the cards for me. Tage had died along with the possibility of having healthy biological children. I wrote about that depression last year on Mother’s Day here.
The depression set in as the dream seeped through my gripping hands and splattered everywhere on the floor. My hope seemed lost.
This morning, I read this out of my journal:
January 28, 2015
Oh, the despair I have felt these last two months. The flashbacks. The ache. The empty arms. At times, I sense Your presence, Lord…and many times I don’t. I miss Tage.
Then, a few weeks ago, we had the rug pulled out from under us, while we were still flailing and writhing on the ground – a 25% chance for Leigh’s Disease for any and all future children we might conceive. That news has knocked me to my knees, and I fear I will not recover. Do we risk watching more children suffer and die?
This just wasn’t ever what I envisioned for my life – and yet again, I find myself at the foot of the cross constantly. Suffering leads us there.
This morning, I sit in the sun room. I’ve been craving face time with Jesus – just to see Him look me in the eyes and hear Him say, “It’s going to be okay, Molly.” So, I have my coffee with me, and I sat down and looked across the room to the couch, where I picture Him sitting. And I poured my heart out, along with many tears.
I told Him all my thoughts, fears, worries, out loud, just like I would one of my girl friends. There were gentle whispers, It’s going to be okay, Molly. And that’s all I got. But that’s all I said I needed Him to say, wasn’t it? Oh, I desperately wish I could see the future.
I’m reading in 2 Samuel now, where David knows he’s been anointed by God to become king…one day. But Saul is currently king, an evil king who hates David and is constantly trying to kill him. In a cave, David gets close enough to Saul to kill him-all David’s anguish could be over and he could finally be king-but he knows the plans are all in God’s timing not his. So he clips a piece from Saul’s clothing to prove he spared his life. And David continues to suffer while he waits on God’s timing for his dream to be real life.
I don’t want to play God and make the timing my own by the possibility of IVF, but I also think God gave us doctors and medicine. I need wisdom, Lord, and patience. I need Your peace and presence with me as I wait and cry. This life is so hard.
God answered that prayer and gave me wisdom. It wasn’t immediate, but eventually, it came.
Let me be frank and say that the words I am about to say are not to condemn anyone.
If there is one thing I have learned, its that the decisions parents are forced to make after losing a baby and losing the ability to conceive healthy children are not something for which they should be judged. It’s not our job to judge one another anyway, but the Lord’s. See, I was absolutely SURE how I would respond in this situation…until I actually had to respond to this situation regarding my own life and dreams and future.
But as much as I wanted to shake His voice out of my head over the next few months, I knew the Lord was not leading us to try IVF.
Here is what I wrote in June:
June 17, 2015
I can’t do it.
I can’t do IVF. I wish this were not what God was telling me but it is. I want a baby so badly. I want to see my growing belly and feel the kicks and experience the worst heartburn known to man. I want to see a positive pregnancy test again. I want to keep my maternity clothes. They were really cute maternity clothes. But it’s 100% clear to me now.
I know that in order to conceive with IVF, there is a high chance that there will be embryos who will test positive for Leigh’s Disease, and what then? To say discard brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. We would have discarded Tage then. And Tage brought so much joy to us despite his short and difficult life. I love my Tager until my heart explodes. No, I cannot discard any embryo. I can’t do it.
So, Lord, I open my hands and dreams to You. I surrender my life to You, Lord. Never have I understood that phrase more than I do right now. But You gave me this dream, Lord, so strongly, and I know You will tend it. You are not cruel. So, I trust You.
I know there are babies who need to be adopted, and that is not my dream, but I know You will make it clear if that is what we should do, and You will give us joy about it. I love some adopted little people in my life so much. So, I trust You.
I know there is the chance you may never give us children, and I don’t understand that, but you will give me peace should that be so. I know You are the Keeper of my Dreams. So, I trust You.
After surrendering this dream to You, I feel an unexplainable peace today, Lord. You are in this. You are loving. You are guarding my heart and my dream to be a mother.
Thank you, Lord.
Surrendering dreams is not something we can physically do on our own. I don’t have the faith or ability, on my own, to do it. It takes seeking the Lord in His Word and prayer. If we ask, He will answer. If we seek, we will find.
In recent months, I’ve experienced and learned that peace comes from knowing the Peace-giver. But I like how author Priscilla Shirer says it best,
“If you are struggling to move forward in obedience, you do not need bigger faith. You just need to realize how big your God is. The more faithful and strong you believe Him to be, the more willing you’ll be to depend on Him. Your level of faith will always be tied to your perception of God.”
Friends, He is a good God. He is loving and tender with you, not cruel. He knows your dreams, and He longs for you to talk about them with Him. His peace is real, and it surpasses any human’s understanding of peace.
Read these slowly and out loud:
“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
Y’all, my life is living proof of this. The words above are not a lie. I have experienced depression and anxiety, and I’ve experienced the peace that only the Lord can give as I’ve surrendered that which I was clutching so tightly. I urge you: get to know Him more.
As for my dream? He’s still guarding it. I can see how He is working on that dream even now, and I am excited to see what He does with it. I am pretty sure it’s going to better than I ever imagined, but I’m waiting peacefully in the meantime because I trust Him with it.
Bring your dreams to Him. Lay them at His feet. And trust Him to guard them.
He is a trustworthy Keeper of Dreams.