I could feel the tears welling behind my eyes.  I distracted myself by unloading toilet paper in the bathroom cabinet.  I sensed my husband, Guy, was trying to make eye contact with me, but I just couldn’t or the dam would burst.

He sat down and patted his leg, an invitation for me to come sit.  So, I did.  Here it comes, I thought.

As soon as I sat, two tears rolled silently down my cheek.

“Is life hard today? You’ve been quiet all afternoon,” he said.  I nodded.  “What’s hard?”

“Being a stepmom,” I replied, wishing that it weren’t true.

“Tell me how.”

“I don’t know what’s worth sharing and what I should just get over,” I said.

“Tell me,” he repeated gently.

It took courage for me to let the words pass through my lips.  I didn’t want to hurt him with something I would say.

Finally, I mustered the truth.

“Sometimes I feel like an outsider in my own home,” I said as the tears fell harder.

I have run marathons and half marathons.  I’ve taught classrooms full of squirrely children.  I’ve buried my mom and my oldest son.  I’ve weathered the storm of an unwanted divorce.  I’ve moved from a city in one state to a small town in another.

But nothing has challenged me as much as being a stepmom for one single reason – nothing has required more sacrifice coupled with less control.

His daughters were 8 and 11 when I married their dad, and they are two of the most incredible people on the planet!  At the time, I lived alone with a dog and cat, so stepping into their home as a stepmom meant tremendous change for my daily life.

In my conversations with my husband, he openly admits that he does not know what my experience is like since I did not bring children into our marriage.  He tells me that he wants to know, and I imagine there are other husbands who might want to know what it’s like for their wives.

So, here are 10 things to remember as you support your wife as stepmom:

1. The fact that you want to know what it’s like for her is the biggest gift.  When my husband invites me to share what is hard, it removes much of the weight.  I no longer feel that I have to carry it alone.  His questions, as a way of gaining understanding, make us partners and debunk the lie that I need to hide my emotions and protect myself. It shows me how much he cares about me.
2. She wants to be good stepmom.  Fairy tales, like Cinderella, depict step-mothers as evil and unloving.  But the step-moms I know are the exact opposite of that.  The stepmoms I know are kind, sacrificial, and loving probably because they are kind, sacrificial, and loving people to begin with. This is a new role to me. I didn’t know how to be a stepmom to them, but I am learning, because I want to be a great one, as do the step-moms I encounter.
3. Your love for your biological children is an innate feeling; hers is an action by choice.  My love for all of my children is equal but different.  I’ve borne two sons myself, and there is an inherent love for the child whom you carried, who shares your DNA.  Loving everyone else on the planet is a choice.  I am aware that I am not as naturally patient or generous toward people who did not grow in my womb or vice versa.  But I want to love my step-kids deeply, and we are growing in love for one another. But I know that they don’t love me the same inherent way they love their dad and their mom. I know these relationships will take time to grow, and I appreciate it when my husband points out the ways he sees me love the kids and the ways he sees them love me back.
4. She needs your patience as you listen to her disappointments. I had no idea what I was actually signing up for when I said yes to being a stepmom, because it’s so much more than making extra food at dinner and going to their sporting events.  I think Mike Jantzen worded it perfectly when he said, “She is always settling for less than she hoped for. You may have been a great catch, but what tagged along shattered some of her dreams.  No woman dreams of sharing finances between two households, or of always having another woman’s schedule and decisions affect her life. Her romantic ideals did not include having dates with you interrupted by text messages from your ex.”  These instances, and countless others, are daily reminders that this is not the life we dreamt about, and sometimes we need to express it, be understood, and then we can move on.
5. One-on-one time with you is a necessity.  Most couples get a few years, at least, of just the two of them.  You did not get that.  “I do” meant “I do their spelling words with them starting now.”  She is happy to help.  But she married you for YOU. A regular date night will do wonders for the connection, trust, and fun in your relationship.  Get it on the calendar and guard it.  Put your phones down and only respond to emergency texts that need to be dealt with immediately.  Two hours away is enough to recharge for a week.
6. She needs a place of her own.  When the kids are at our place, their stuff finds its way to every room in the house.  I was not prepared for the take-over that happens when they walk in the door, and she may not be used to the chaos that comes with kids either. But even a seasoned mom needs a place to catch her breath.  Maybe it’s a room, maybe it’s a chair in a corner of your bedroom.  Just make sure there’s a door.  Retreating for a little while produces energy she’ll need later.
7. She needs you to notice her efforts.  All parents need affirmation, but for stepmoms, it’s even more important.  She may not receive the hugs and “I love you”s that Dad receives, despite doing as much for them as he does.  Model the “Thanks for making dinner for us” and encourage the kids to say a simple “thank you” when she does something special for them.  Then, when you have a moment just the two of you, point out the ways she’s sacrificed or the things you admire about her parenting.  You will be her most important cheerleader, and your praise will make a huge difference.
8. It’s really hard having another woman influence her home. This was perhaps the most shocking part for me at first.  The kids’ mom has not been inside our house since I’ve been living in it, yet, her presence is everywhere.  I hear the kids talking to her on the phone every night.  Her decisions affect our schedule – like when the kids will be at our house or not, what activities they do, how we spend our money, etc.  She’s not cruel about it; I just wasn’t prepared to not be the sole woman who runs my home, and it is really hard for me.  I (and even our infant son) sometimes take a backseat to what she decides for the sake of her kids, and that is something I have to constantly surrender. Again, she’s not being mean, and I think she’s a great mom.  And yet, her decisions affect us. When I dreamt of being a mother, this was not how I pictured my family’s home would be.
9. She wants to be a decision maker.  When there are decisions to be made, the results will impact me and affect our home, so I want my husband to include me on the decisions as much as possible.  When I talk with moms of nuclear families, they are the decision makers for almost everything – dinners, schedules, activities— and get to run their family life how they want with the partnership of their husband.  My husband and his kids were used to making decisions without me for years, so it was a shift for all of us. The kids will get to run their own home and make all the decisions when they’re adults someday. Today, they are kids, and we are the adults. I appreciate when my husband pulls me aside and asks for my input before asking the kids.  It’s another (huge) gesture that makes me feel that we’re a team.
10. She wants to build a “we”.  Despite all of these difficulties and challenges, I would still choose him.  His eyes still make my heart race and his smile makes me giddy.  I love watching him as a dad, and I grow more madly in love with him every day.  I think we make the best team, and there’s no one I’d rather wrangle all this craziness with than him.

So, there on my husband’s leg, I told him all the ways I feel like an outsider in my own home (as listed above). 

“Dad, Daaad?” a child yelled as she came around the corner.

“Hold on, Honey,” he said. “I’ll be there in a second.” But she kept coming until she saw my back to her, and I didn’t turn around. “I’ll be right there,” he said again.

“Oh,” she replied when she saw me wiping tears. She walked away quietly.

I continued to cry, and my husband continued to listen, acknowledging my feelings and difficulties.  When I had said all I needed to say, he said, “Well, I can’t pretend that I know how you feel, but I will listen…and cry with you.”

I looked up and into his eyes for the first time since the conversation started.  I saw his tears.

And that was really all I needed.

Because, husbands, what it really boils down to is a step-mom just needs to know she’s not alone. 

She has you.

Molly Huffman – http://www.mollyhuffman.com

It’s been over ten years since I was handed my cross.

Mom and Dad asked my sisters and I to come over for news from the doctor.  Once we’d all gathered in the living room, Dad became solemn. “The doctor has decided there’s nothing more to do.  It’s time to stop treatment,” he said as tears pooled in his eyes.  He put his head in his hands and wept. I squeezed Mom’s hand tighter.

And with those words, a cross was placed on my back.  A death began that day. 

There are some really bizarre phrases in the Bible.  There are sentences we read and question, “What does that even mean?”  Sometimes it takes us years of mulling over the words, of turning it in our hand like a gem to see the light come in and sparkle from different angles, before we see the beauty in it.

Jesus said words that were easy to understand as well as some that take some mulling. 

One of the phrases I have a new perspective of is found in the books Matthew, Mark, and Luke.  Five different times, Jesus tells us “take up your cross.”

If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. Matt. 10:38

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me.  Matt. 16:24

Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me.  Mark 8:34

Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me.  Luke 9:23

And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.  Luke 14:27

In high school, I equated a cross with suffering.  I assumed “taking up our cross” meant we would all have to suffer in life, so we should embrace it, plan for it.

That was one perspective, and I think that IS part of what Jesus was saying.

But now I also see it means more than just suffering; it means death. 

That’s what a cross is.  It’s a death tool.  For Jesus, a cross would usher in His physical death, and our crosses cause death as well. 

For us, it means dying to ourselves – our quest for comfort, our control, our desire for money or our pride.

Before my mom died, I hadn’t had to carry a cross.  Life was easy.  Yes, I’d had a couple break-ups, but I recovered.  I lived in a nice part of town with my dream teaching job and a new husband and puppy.  Then, Death came creeping into my neatly planned life.

I am thankful it did.

My cross rustled me from my comfort. Death snapped me out of the trance of Me – my plans, my comfort, my control – and got me thinking about His plans, His comfort, His control.

Allow me to blow my own cover: I would not have chosen my cross, even though Jesus tells us it’s for our good.  I would have continued creeping toward comfort and my own plans had it not been for God coming behind me, lifting me up by my shoulders, and setting me back down in a new direction (against my will).

But it didn’t take me long to see it was a grace. 

I remember the week after my mom died, I was sitting in that same living room again.  Over the course of her illness and death, I had experienced God in fresh, personal ways.  Ways I’d always wanted to experience but never had.

Suddenly, a verse popped into my mind: “If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine…”  Wow, I thought. I can’t believe that even though I want her here so badly, I don’t want to trade what I’ve come to know about You, Lord.  I know where she is and that I’ll see her again.  Then it continues, “or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it” (Matthew 10:37-39).

And I got it!  I had found life, because I’d finally seen Jesus for the first time in my life.  But it took a death.

Sometimes I asked, “Why, Jesus?  Why does it have to be this way?  Why can’t I have You AND all the things and people I want?”

Because He also said, “No one can serve two masters” (Matt. 6:24).  We think we can, but we can’t. 

We can follow our own desires and plans OR we can follow His.

But notice Jesus isn’t strong-arming us into this.  He says, “If…”  If we want to be His followers, we have to give up our own way.

I surrendered my plans ten years ago, AND I have to continue to do it.  That’s why He said, “take up your cross daily.”  It’s not a one-and-done.  New circumstances keep arising in my life where I have to pick up the cross and die to myself every single day.

But He also never leaves us empty-handed.  Ever.  What does He give us for this costly trade?  He says, “If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?” (Matthew 16:24-26).

We get to experience the true meaning of LIFE which goes beyond this earthly life.  And not only that, but Jesus says in the next verse that He “is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.”

When Jesus places a cross on our back, it’s not a punishment.  It’s a resurrection tool. He wants to put to death the parts of us that do not reflect Him so that we can point the world to Him.

When I think about the most joyful and content people I know, they are the ones who’ve carried their cross and followed Jesus.  They’ve lost children, endured irreversible injuries, experienced unwanted divorce, battled cancer, and are living with chronic illness.

They’ve died to themselves and Christ has raised them up with hope, joy, and a deep and life-giving knowledge of who He is.  And they can’t help but radiate, because they have found LIFE. Just as He said: “If you give up your life for Me, you will find it.”

Maybe there’s nothing big in your life right now, but we die to ourselves in small ways, too. When you just want to go to bed, but she suddenly remembers she hasn’t studied for the test that is tomorrow. When someone takes the credit for your work, and you let it go. When they’re dilly-dallying in the left lane for ten minutes, and as you finally pass them, you choose not to glare.

Not all crosses are huge.

Die. To. Self.

I have a sign in my closet that is my mantra right now.  It’s the lyrics from an Elevation Worship song, “O Come to the Altar.”  The words of the final refrain are:

Bear your cross

As you wait for the crown

Tell the world

Of the treasure you’ve found

It reminds me of this calling to bear the cross which God has placed on me.  It probably looks very different than the one He’s placed on you, but there is a personal purpose to the cross He places on each person.  He says, “take up YOUR cross” (emphasis mine).  Only He knows the work He is doing in each person, but we are all given the chance to die to ourselves…so that we may LIVE.

Let’s be people who bear it well, which won’t be easy.  But He promises a reward for those who do. And as we wait patiently for it, let’s not miss the opportunity to radiate what God has done in us.  Let’s tell the world how He has resurrected us from our former selves.  Let’s tell them about the treasure He’s given us in the midst of the darkness!

He’s not being cruel.  He is saving our very souls.

I’ve carried this cross for over ten years – loss of a mom, loss of a son, loss of a marriage and a home, loss of all the plans I had for myself – and yet my soul feels sure and strong. The cross is doing the work He promised.

And HE. IS. THE. TREASURE.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.  And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?^[l] Is anything worth more than your soul?”  Matthew 16:24-26